Serious Thoughts

and some light humour



A letter to a parent:

Sally jumped up as soon as she saw the Surgeon come out of the operating room. She said, “How is my little boy? Is he going to be O.K.? When can I see him?”
The Surgeon said, “I’m sorry, we did all we could.”
Sally said, “Why do little children get cancer, doesn’t GOD care any more? GOD, where were you when my son needed you?”
The Surgeon said, “One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes to let you spend time with your son’s remains before it is transported to the university."
Sally asked that the nurse to stay with her while she said good-bye to her son. Sally ran her fingers through his thick red curly hair.
The nurse said, “Would you like a lock of his hair?”
Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of his hair and put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally. Sally said, “It was Jimmy’s idea to give his body to the university for study. He said it might help somebody else,” and that is what he wanted.
“I said, No at first, but Jimmy said, ‘Mom I won’t be using it after I die, maybe it will help some other little boy to be able to spend one more day with his mother.’
“My Jimmy had a heart of Gold, always thinking of someone else and always wanting to help others if he could.”
Sally walked out of the Children’s Hospital for the last time now after spending most of the last 6 months there. She sat the bag with Jimmy’s things in it on the seat beside of her in the car. The drive home was hard and it was even harder to go into an empty house.
She took the bag to Jimmy’s room and started placing the model cars and things back in his room exactly where he always kept them. She laid down across his bed and cried herself to sleep holding his pillow. Sally woke up about midnight and laying beside of her on the bed, was a letter folded up. She opened the letter, it said:
Dear Mom:
I know you’re going to miss me, but don’t think that I will ever forget you or stop loving you because I’m not around to say I LOVE YOU. I’ll think of you every day Mom and I’ll love you even more each day. Someday we will see each other again.
If you want to adopt a little boy so you won’t be so lonely, he can have my room and my old stuff to play with. If you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn’t like the same things as us boys do, so you will have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like.
Don’t be sad when you think about me, this is really a great place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything here. The angels are so friendly, and I love to watch them fly. Jesus doesn’t look like any of the pictures I saw of Him, but I knew it was Him as soon as I saw Him.
Jesus took me to see GOD! And guess what Mom? I got to sit on GOD’S knee and talk to Him like I was somebody important. I told GOD that I wanted to write you a letter and tell you good-bye and everything, but I knew that wasn’t allowed. God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter with. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel that is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him about... Where was He when I needed him? God said, “The same place He was when Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children.”
Oh, by the way Mom, nobody else can see what is written on this paper, but you. To everyone else, it looks like a blank piece of paper. I have to give God His pen back now, He has some more names to write in the Book Of Life.
Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I’m sure the food will be great. I almost forgot to let you know - Now I don’t hurt anymore, the cancer is all gone. I’m glad because I couldn’t stand that pain anymore and God couldn’t stand to see me suffer the pain either, so He sent The Angel of Mercy to get me.

Special Delivery! Signed with love from:

God & Jesus & Me...
May the Lord open up the windows of heaven and pour you out a blessing that you will not have room enough to receive it all. May the Lord bless you exceeding abundantly above all you could ever hope for. May the Lord bless you that you may walk in a financial overflow for the rest of your days in the Name of Jesus. Amen!

Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! Let’s just see Satan stop this one. All you do is... Send this on to at least five other people. Within hours, you caused a multitude of people to pray to God for each other. Then sit back and watch the power of God work in your life for doing the thing that you know He loves, knowing that He is also working in the lives of others.

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Be thankful.....

For the wife...
who says it’s hot dogs tonight, because she is home with me, and not out with someone else.

For the husband...
who is on the sofa being a couch potato, because he is home with me and not out at the bars.

For the teenager...
who is complaining about doing dishes because that means she is at home, not on the streets.

For the taxes...
that I pay because it means that I am employed.

For the mess...
to clean after a party because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.

For the clothes...
that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.

For my shadow...
that watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.

For a lawn...
that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.

For all the complaining...
I hear about the government because it means that we have freedom of speech.

For the parking spot...
I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.

For my huge heating bill...
because it means I am warm.

For the lady...
behind me in church that sings off key because it means that I can hear.

For the pile...
of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.

For weariness...
and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been capable of working hard.

For the alarm...
that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive.

And finally...

For too much e-mail...
because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.

Send this to someone you care about... I just did.

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A Traffic Ticket

Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often?
When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.
The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand. Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A Christian cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow.
Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he’d never seen in uniform.
“Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this.”
“Hello, Jack.” No smile.
“Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
Bob seemed uncertain. Good.
“I’ve seen some long days at the office lately. I’m afraid I bent the rules a bit - just this once.” Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. “Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?”
“I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct.”
Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics. “What’d you clock me at?”
“Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?”
“Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65.” The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.
“Please, Jack, in the car.”
Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dash board. He was in no rush to open the window.
The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad. Why hadn’t he asked for a driver’s license? Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again.
A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand.
Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.
“Thanks.” Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice. Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost? Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket.
Jack began to read:
“Dear Jack,
Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it - a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters. All three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again.
A thousand times I’ve tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again.
Even now. Pray for me. And be careful. My son is all I have left.”
“Bob”     
Jack turned around in time to see Bob’s car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.



Life is precious. Handle with care. This is an important message, please pass it along to your friends. Drive safely and carefully. Remember, cars are not the only thing recalled by their maker.
Funny how you can send a thousand ‘jokes’ through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, and the sanctity of life, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them. Funny how you can be more worried about what other people think of you than what God thinks of you.
Pass this on - you may save a life. Maybe not, but we’ll never know if you don't.

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Choices

Michael is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say.
When someone would ask him how he was doing, would reply, “If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a natural motivator.
If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Michael and asked him, “I don’t get it! You can’t be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"
Michael replied, “Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or... you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or... I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.
"Yeah, right, it’s not that easy,” I protested.
"Yes, it is,” Michael said. “Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It’s your choice how you live your life."
I reflected on what Michael said. Soon thereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Michael was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Michael was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw Michael about six months after the accident.
When I asked him how he was, he replied. “If I were any better, I’d be twins. Want to see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.
"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon to be born daughter,” Michael replied. “Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or... I could choose to die.! I chose to live."
"Weren’t you scared? Did you lose consciousness?” I asked.
Michael continued, “...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read ‘he’s a dead man. I knew I needed to take action’."
"What did you do?” I asked.
"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,” said Michael. “She asked if I was allergic to anything.
"Yes, I replied.” The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, “Gravity."
Over their laughter, I told them, “I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
Michael lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything. “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Enjoy each day, each breath and mostly --- each and every friend...

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50 Natural Highs

Think about them one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one... IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, especially the thought at the end.
  1. Falling in love.
  2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
  3. A hot shower.
  4. No lines at the supermarket.
  5. A special glance.
  6. Getting mail.
  7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
  8. Hearing your favourite song on the radio.
  9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
  10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
  11. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.
  12. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!) (or strawberry!)
  13. A long distance phone call from a friend.
  14. A bubble bath.
  15. Giggling.
  16. A good conversation.
  17. The beach.
  18. Finding $20 in your coat from last winter.
  19. Laughing at yourself.
  20. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
  21. Running through sprinklers.
  22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
  23. Having someone tell you that you’re beautiful.
  24. Laughing at an inside joke.
  25. Friends.
  26. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
  27. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
  28. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
  29. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
  30. Playing with a new puppy.
  31. Having someone play with your hair.
  32. Sweet dreams.
  33. Hot chocolate.
  34. Road trips with friends.
  35. Swinging on swings.
  36. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking your favourite tipple.
  37. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid.
  38. Going to a really good concert.
  39. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
  40. Winning a really competitive game.
  41. Making chocolate chip cookies.
  42. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
  43. Spending time with close friends.
  44. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.
  45. Holding hands with someone you care about.
  46. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
  47. Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
  48. Watching the expression on someone’s face as they open a much desired present from you.
  49. Watching the sunrise.
  50. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly..

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Here’s to T-bone Steaks, Yellow Roses and Friendship

I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in buying groceries. I wasn’t hungry. The pain of losing my husband of 7 years was still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories.
He often came with me and almost every time he’d pretend to go off and look for something special. I knew what he was up to. I’d always spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his hands. He knew I loved yellow roses.
With a heart filled with grief, I only wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was different since he had passed on. Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for two. Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and remembered how he had loved his steak.
Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and lovely in a soft green pantsuit. I watched as she picked up a large pack of T-bones, dropped them in her basket, hesitated, and then put them back...
She turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks. She saw me watching her and she smiled. "My husband loves T-bones, but honestly, at these prices, I don’t know.” I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue eyes. “My husband passed away eight days ago,” I told her.
Glancing at the package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice. “Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together."
She shook her head and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed the package in her basket and wheeled away.
I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the dairy products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I should buy.
Quart, I finally decided and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing else, I could always fix myself an ice cream cone. I placed the ice cream in my cart and looked down the aisle toward the front.
I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty lady coming towards me. In her arms she carried a package. On her face was the brightest smile I had ever seen. I would swear a soft halo encircled her blonde hair as she kept walking toward me, her eyes holding mine. As she came closer, I saw what she held and tears began misting in my eyes.
"These are for you,” she said and placed three beautiful long stemmed yellow roses in my arms. “When you go through the line, they will know these are paid for.” She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek, then smiled again.
I wanted to tell her what she’d done, what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, I watched as she walked away as tears clouded my vision.
I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue wrapping and found it almost unreal. How did she know? Suddenly the answer seemed so clear. I wasn’t alone. Oh, you haven’t forgotten me, have you? I whispered, with tears in my eyes. He was still with me, and she was his angel.

Every day be thankful for what you have and who you are.

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Even Though

Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings.
Thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.
Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as possible.
Thank you, Lord, that I can see. Many are blind.
Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising.
Thank you, Lord, that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.
Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, toast is burned and tempers are short, my children are so loud.
Thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely.
Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures in magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced.
Thank you, Lord, for the food we have. There are many who are hungry.
Even though the routine of my job often is monotonous.
Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.
Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my circumstances were not so modest.
Thank you, Lord, for life.

Pass this on to the friends you know.
It might help a bit to make this world a better place to live, right?

A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift.
A friend is someone to treasure. For friendship is a gift.

A friend is someone who fills our lives with Beauty, Joy and Grace
and makes the world we live in a better and happier place.

YOU ARE MY FRIEND! Now send this to every friend you have and don’t forget me.


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Quotes from Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage the USA has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes ----
  1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
  2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
  3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.
  4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
  6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
  7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
  8. There are three kinds of men:
    • The ones that learn by reading.
    • The few who learn by observation.
    • The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
  9. Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
  11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
And finally...
  1. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...

    The moral When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

And, about Growing Older...

  1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
  2. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
  3. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve travelled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
  4. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
  5. You know you are getting old when every thing either dries up or leaks.
  6. I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
  7. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
  8. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
  9. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
  10. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.
And finally...
  1. If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.

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Religious Humour

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
The preacher spoke to the congregation and said “Children are a gift from God.”
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would the paycheque.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers!”

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Simply Clean Jokes

Good Manners
The young lady said to Grandpa, “I noticed that when you sneeze, you’ve learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."
"Of course,” explained Grandpa. “How else can I catch my teeth???”

Rattlesnakes
Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town’s fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, “Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” Felix replied in astonishment. “People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
“Well,” said the chief, “the first thing I ask is, ‘Is it on fire?’ ”

How to be a Good Husband
  • He consistently spills things in the same location so as to avoid making more than one stain in the carpet.
  • He sees to it that he doesn’t always sit in the same place on the couch, to avoid making those unsightly twin-divots.
  • He masters the art of halfway-communication so that he can watch TV and still answer: uh huh, oh, I see what you mean, etc. at the right time.
  • He is able to avoid use of the same excuse two times in a row.
  • He has learned that a new vacuum cleaner, iron, etc. do not make acceptable anniversary presents.
  • Admits with only minor prodding that watching Monday Night Football together does not constitute a “date" or family home evening (where applicable).
  • Has learned all of the childrens’ names so that he doesn’t have to refer to them as, “Hey, you there..."
  • Knows the proper time to give a sincere compliment and also the proper time to say something such as, “It’s definitely an interesting dress.”

Cookie Monster
Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.
Later, I was stopped by another trooper. “What have I done?” I asked.
"Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies."


You’re in Trouble!
It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home and rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, “Boy, are you in trouble! I’m a lawyer!"
The driver looked out his window and said, “No, you’re in trouble. I’m a judge."

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Fertility Technology

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the 65 year-old mother, “soon.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“Not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, “May we see the baby now?”
“No,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“WHEN IT CRIES,” she told them.
“WHEN IT CRIES??” they demanded. “Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??”
“BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it...”

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How to Get to Heaven

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?” she asked the children in her Sunday school class.
“NO!” the children all answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again the answer was, “NO!”
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?” she asked them again.
Once more they all answered, “NO!”
"Well,” she continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than she had given them credit for, “then how can I get into heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

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Five Monkeys

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.
Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not?

Because as far as they know that’s the way it’s always been done around here.
And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.

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A Visit To The Doctor...

This is a laugh for all those women out there who so look forward to that wonderful time once a year when they get to be “intimate” with their doctor!
In Sydney, Australia, one of the radio stations pays $1,000 to $5,000 for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $5,000.

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early one morning I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already 8:45 a.m. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in “that area” to make sure it was at least presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes-basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my doctors. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris, or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” but I didn’t respond. When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mum, where’s my washcloth?” I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it.”

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The Ya-Ya Sisterhood
  1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free, then you either married it or gave birth to it.
  2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
  3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “Listen fatty? do it and die."
  4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
  5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
  6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else always does.
  7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
  8. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
  9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
  10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.

Send this to bright women you know and make their day!
Or at least make them laugh a little...

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Creed of Peace... A Practical Approach

I am guilty of war when I proudly exercise my intelligence to the disadvantage of my fellow man.

I am guilty of war when I distort other’s opinions, which differ from my own.

I am guilty of war when I show disregard for the rights and properties of others.

I am guilty of war when I covet what another has honestly acquired.

I am guilty of war when I seek to maintain my superiority of position by depriving others of their opportunity of advancement.

I am guilty of war if I imagine my kin and myself to be a privileged people.

I am guilty of war if I believe a heritage entitles me to monopolize resources of nature.

I am guilty of war when I believe other people must think and live as I do.

I am guilty of war when I make success in life solely dependent upon power, fame, and riches.

I am guilty of war when I think the minds of people should be regulated by force, rather than by reason.

I am guilty of war when I believe the God I conceive is the one others must accept.

I am guilty of war when I think that a land of a man’s birth must necessarily be the place of his livelihood.

The true articles of peace cannot be legislated but are drawn up in the personal aspirations and conduct of the millions of little people. When all men will frankly perceive their common dependence, an understanding will emerge that will transcend the barriers of time and space, creed and race.
-- Ralph M. Lewis

SO DON’T BE GUILTY OF WAR.
LET US LEARN TO LIVE IN PEACE AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

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Some Interesting History...

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:

  1. Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.

    Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

  2. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
    Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”

  3. Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
    Hence the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

  4. There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed.
    Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

  5. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
    Hence the saying “dirt poor.”

  6. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
    Hence the saying “a thresh hold.”

  7. In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
    Hence the rhyme, “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”

  8. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man “could bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”

  9. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

  10. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or “upper crust.”

  11. Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
    Hence the custom of holding a “wake.”

  12. England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a “bone-house” and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the “graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be “saved by the bell” or was considered “a dead ringer.”
And that’s the truth...!

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